On belonging...

And some personal update.

Khajjiar, Chamba (HP), India

Dear friend,

I have a question for you today.

How do you initiate a conversation when talking to someone new? Is it the usual conversation starters — what do you do, where are you from, what are you passionate about, and the like?

These questions are pretty common, right? As a result, you get used to answering these a certain way. After a point, you get so used to them, the answers sprout as though you’ve spent a lifetime rehearsing them, and rightly so.

Where are you from?

I, however, have found the ‘where are you from’ bit of these questions always somewhat unsettling. My answer to this question is always some variation of ‘it’s a bit complicated, I’ll tell you about it some other time.’

Today, I am answering it for everyone, and most importantly, for myself!

When we ask someone where are they from, we are trying to take a better look at their culture, values, and beliefs. The factors on which this place is based (usually) include where did your family, specifically your parents and grandparents, decided to settle and where did you spend a significant amount of your childhood. While these factors which largely form one’s ethnicity could be a decent medium to understand a person better, I feel the question in itself is very limiting. There’s no reason why an individual’s identity should be linked to a place.

I’ll tell you why.

My paternal grandparents come from two different states in northern India, my maternal grandparents came from two other states in central India. These are four different influences already. I was born in a city in Punjab that I didn’t visit again until I was in my late teens. My father has a job that requires him to move to a new city every few years, and as a result, I attended school in four different cities across three different states. Even now, I am writing this from a city I had never visited even once until last year.

I grew up under so many, and completely different cultural influences that it becomes difficult to narrow down on one. I am sure many people relate. When you ask us where are we from, our hearts and minds struggle to come up with one just one name.

When you ask me where I am from, my heart goes back to thinking about the magnificent yet scary landscapes of Kishtwar - a beautiful city in J&K where I attended my first school, the calm and chaos of living along the riverside in the historically important Chamba, the hustle-bustle of the industrial giant that Jalandhar is, the joy of sitting by the Sukhna lake in the city beautiful that Chandigarh is, and the list goes on… Where do I begin and where do I stop?

But that’s an important question!

Sure, it is. After all, not everyone lives like (almost) a nomad.

How about replacing ‘where are you from’ with a ‘what are the places you’ve lived in’ or ‘where are you living currently’ just to be more inclusive?

Every city we have spent a considerable amount of time in shapes us in one way or the other. They become a part of our story. What are we, after all, if not the stories we have lived?

Surbhi @subtlyperfect

It never ceases to amaze me how significant a role the places we have lived in play in shaping our life. Say all you want about living on the internet, but it'll never suffice for the experiences that come with where you live in the physical world.

I turn 25 next month, and yet, I am not even close to calling a place my ‘home.’ Does it make me anxious? Absolutely not!

Maybe I belong to all the places I have lived in, or maybe I don’t belong anywhere, and that’s perfectly alright.

How about you?

Next time someone asks me this question, I'm going to direct them to this post!

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Here’s some personal update:

After two years of living on my own, I moved in with my parents when the pandemic hit. Now, after two years of being with them, I get to step out again. Needless to say, the feeling is very similar to what I experienced when I moved out for the first time.

I am excited, nervous, hopeful, and optimistic at the same time. Here’s to a new chapter!

Thank you for reading.

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Wishing you well, always

Surbhi :)

Kishtwar, J&K, India